


Waves

by Vampiricalthorns



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxiety, M/M, Mentions of vomiting and passing out, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-26
Updated: 2018-10-26
Packaged: 2019-08-08 01:27:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16419815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vampiricalthorns/pseuds/Vampiricalthorns
Summary: With tomorrow's being the day for the start of Spooky Week, the waves try to pull Phil under. Luckily, Dan's there to be his lifeline.





	Waves

**Author's Note:**

> This oneshot contains graphic descriptions of a panic attack and mentions of involuntary violence, vomiting and passing out. Please don't read this if any of the mentioned above might affect you in any way.

“This actually makes me kind of nervous,” Phil admits while they’re sitting on the couch after dinner, just waiting for the right moment to go to bed. Spooky week was starting tomorrow, and they had filmed and edited the video that would be number one. Like the beginning of a storm where small waves would hit the rocks.

 

Dan looks up at Phil from his position where he was currently laying with his head on Phil’s lap and his legs up over the sofa backrest. “What is? Spooky week starting tomorrow? There’s not much to worry about. I feel like we’ve picked good games, the subscribers like the yearly event and the work we did on this first video was good. We have everything under control.”

 

Phil runs his fingers through the dark curls that is Dan’s hair and he sighs reluctantly. “Yeah. You’re right. Thank you, babe.”

 

His anxiety isn’t settled- not by far, and he notices it when he excuses himself to go to the bathroom. Phil’s not sure why he does that anymore. Just, “sorry, I need to go to the bathroom” rather than just going, “be right back, bathroom.” He looks in the mirror- and a tired man in flannel pj pants, an obnoxiously bright shirt and messy hair looks back at him. He’s wearing his glasses because contact lenses are too annoying. In total- he looks about the least Phil Lester he possibly can at the moment because he feels off and it’s noticeable.

 

He doesn’t realise just how bad it is until he’s met by Dan outside the bathroom, who looks at him concerned and then leads him back to the couch with a suggestion of, “Do you want a cup of tea?”

 

He doesn’t realise how bad it is until he’s clutching his favourite mug of Earl Grey with probably way too much sugar in it.

 

He doesn’t realise how bad it is until his hands are shaking and Dan quickly removes the mug from his hands. He, of course, doesn’t realise how bad it is until he’s sobbing, trying to hide within himself. He’s painfully aware of how bad it is when it feels like someone is stabbing his chest repeatedly with a letter knife. It feels sort of as if he’s underwater, trying to get back to the surface- just trying to breathe. Dan’s voice feels far away and muted as if he’s trying to talk through both cotton and water at the same time.

 

“Phil? Phil? Hey, sweetheart, can you hear me?” He tries to focus on Dan’s voice, but it’s hard. The waves keep coming back to hit him- to bring him down to the ocean floor where he’ll never be able to get up again. Phil gasps for air and clutches the nearest possible thing, unable to realise that it’s Dan’s face and the fact that his nails dragging down Dan’s face probably isn’t the most comfortable thing in the world. Suddenly, he’s enveloped in heat and tightness. He manages to open his eyes and breathe for long enough to realise that Dan’s pulled him onto his lap and is effectively trying to calm him by hugging him tightly and trying to rock them back and forth a bit. Then the waves are back and he’s pulled under, yet again unable to breathe.

 

“Phil, sweetheart, listen to me. You need to breathe.” Phil can feel something grabbing his hand, leading it to something warm and pulsing. Underneath Dan’s warm skin there’s a constant, even thump, thu-thump sound. Dan’s heart. A lifeline. He hears Dan’s voice counting- that must be for breathing in and out. Phil takes a breath, and it burns his throat, but he must persist because Dan is someone he can trust. Someone he _must_ trust. He needs to get to the coast.

 

He slowly feels the tears come to a halt and his sobs are quieting down. Breathing is painful- and he has the occasional gasp for air- but at least he can breathe. A quiet voice brings him back and Phil manages to completely open his eyes. Somehow, they’ve landed on the floor, with Phil half laying down and with Dan behind him, hugging him tightly.

 

Dan’s voice is soft when he speaks, “Hey there sweetheart, what happened?”

 

Phil’s throat is too dry to talk, and he manages to get the message across to Dan, who immediately hands Phil the tea he made what feels like 10 hours ago. He takes a sip and stares into the dark liquid. “I’m anxious, but I don’t know why. It’s not your fault, or YouTube’s fault, or anyone’s fault, really. It just … happened.”

 

He can feel Dan nod- Dan understands, and Phil loves him for it. “This was a bad one,” Dan says slowly, carefully pulling Phil a bit closer to him in an attempt for Phil to sit a bit more straight up. “You were out of it for close to twenty minutes, uncontrollably sobbing. You tried to get away from me at some point, but luckily you didn’t. I was scared you would somehow manage to hurt yourself. I didn’t want a repeat of last time so I tried to restrain you a bit.”

 

He feels a soft kiss on the back of his neck. “I’m sorry.”

 

Phil turns around and sees the aggressive scratch marks on Dan’s face. It looks like it hurts, and suddenly a small wave of guilt washes over Phil, trying to drag him back to the ocean, where he will just stay. The ocean- they’ve both learnt, is a dangerous territory. None of them wants to explore it. He carefully puts his mug back on the table and slowly touches Dan’s face. “I hurt you.”

 

Dan smiles softly. “You were flailing about and fell off the couch. You were trying to grab at the closest thing- which so happened to be my face. You didn’t hurt yourself though, which is the most important thing. Besides, the scratches will fade. The most important thing is that you’re gonna be fine.”

 

Phil nods- this had been relatively tame. His heavier panic attacks usually ended up with him getting so worked up he got sick or ended up passing out. Falling off the couch and slightly scratching up Dan’s face could definitely be classified a victory- even though he was sure it would have been way milder if they had managed to give him emergency anti-anxiety medication on time.

 

“Do you feel sick?” Dan asks him, and he looks genuinely concerned for Phil’s wellbeing. “Does your head hurt?”

 

Phil shakes his head. “No, I mainly just want to drink my tea and go to bed or something like that.” He’s fully aware that it’s only ten in the evening, but it feels like he’s just ran a marathon, and he supposes- in a way he has.

 

Slowly, but surely, they make their way back up on the couch and Phil’s given his cup of tea back. The warmth of the mug in his hands is familiar- bringing a sense that normally only Dan can give him- and considering Dan’s sitting right next to him with one arm around his back and one arm on his thigh, he feels the anxiety retreating from his system.

 

It takes him a while just to get the tea down and by the time he can see the bottom, the tea is completely cold and he places it back onto the coffee table. Dan stands up next to him and offers his arms to Phil, helping him up. They stand there for a couple minutes, just hugging tightly before slowly making their way to Dan’s room. It’s calmer in there, with fewer colours and less Phil has to worry about. They collapse into bed and Phil immediately wraps himself into a blanket after coming as close to Dan as humanly physically possible. With his head to Dan’s bare chest, he feels the calm thump, thu-thump sounds- like a calm wave hitting a beach. That’s what the ocean should be to him. And at this moment it is. Calm.

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me on Tumblr: https://vampiricalthorns.tumblr.com


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